The First Time I Saw You

The first time I saw you, you were a kid.

We were six.

Neither of us knew what our futures would hold.

Here we are.

Fifteen years later, we are meeting for the first time.

We ended up having a class together.

College can be surprising.

I noticed that you became more confident when I talked to you.

I often catch you watching me.

Why is that?

I know your friends would hate me.

Even though I overthink everything, I hope for something to happen.

I won’t ever forget the fact that we could never be friends.

The first time I saw you we were equals.

Then you grew up to be popular.

I grew up to become something you wish you were.

I was free to do anything and everything, because I didn’t care about what people thought.

Now when I see you, I’m reminded of everything.

That we aren’t equals.

That we will never be more than people who grew up together.

We can’t be friends, even though we both wish things were different.

The first time I saw you, you ran up to me in the fourth grade.

I was the tallest girl in our class, and you measured yourself to me.

You were happy that you were taller than me.

We slowly became friends.

Distaste turned into a unique friendship.

We could rely on each other.

I don’t know why you thought I was an amazing person.

You ended up at a different middle school.

We still talked.

Then I texted you that I wanted to more than friends.

I understand why you took so long to respond.

I was scared.

I pretended it was a joke.

It was a dare from my friend.

I was embarrassed and worried you would never talk to me.

We were kids, and you said some things

You were hurt.

Our friendship ended.

I know it's all my fault.

Years later we saw each other.

You sat across the room and refused to talk to me.

We were about to graduate high school, yet you still treated me like a child.

I never got the chance to apologize.

The first time I saw you, I was staring at the back of your head.

You sat in front of me.

It was in middle school, and all embarrassing stories start with that phrase.

We had a back-and-forth that is hard to explain.

I didn’t like you.

You would pick on me.

You would close books while I was reading them.

You'd throw things at me.

One time, we got yelled at for talking to each other in class.

Someone told me you liked me.

To be honest, you grew on me.

We would never admit it to each other, but we had something.

Didn’t we?

For some reason, you were embarrassed about liking me

You never asked me out.

I understand the embarrassment.

After all, I was a loser.

A loser that knew your friends.

Friends that I have already mentioned.

So after that year, we never spoke again.

I hadn't noticed you, until that time in college.

You walked around the corner and we made eye contact when I picked up my keys.

We were walking in the same direction, and you ran away like I was some monster.

The first time I saw you, I didn’t notice you.

It was seventh grade.

I still don’t know why, but of all the things you could choose, you talked to me about my iPod.

You dated one of my friends, and once you broke up, you dared to talk to me.

I would get used to it.

You dating my friends.

Me waiting to be your friend when you needed one.

We had this flirtationship that would last the next six years.

We wouldn’t talk for a while.

Then we were talking again.

You would walk with me in the halls, and talk to me about your day.

I never could get over you.

No matter how many friends you dated.

Then, I had enough.

We didn’t talk senior year, because I was finished.

I was done.

What you would say to me now?

You never apologized.

I was on some sort of list.

Anytime people think of you or me, they think of us.

There is no us.

There never was or will be an us.

I hate you now.

Remember the night we danced all night?

I'm the only one who knows how much you liked it.

You secretly liked being witty with me and having someone to compete with.

Your ego was too big.

You couldn’t stand it.

I was so much better than you, and you couldn’t take it.

I am more talented than you will ever be.

I remember the last time I saw you like it was yesterday.

I hate going to that restaurant, now.

The thought of seeing you serve me food makes me nauseous.

Remembering how you looked at me, I get angry.

How you expected me to stare.

You expected me to say hi.

It was like you couldn't wait to her me praise you.

I hate you.

I hate how you made me feel, and how everything turned out.

You're the reason I can’t have the relationships I want to.

I can't trust anybody.

Are they playing me?

Do they really mean what they say?

Am I pretty enough?

Does he just want to see my friend?

The scars are too big.

I'm worried that the next guy will be another you.

I hate the impact you have had on my life.

And you are nothing to me now.

I hope I never see you again.

The first time I saw you, you were with your friends.

We ended up working together.

The first time we talked, we joked about each other.

I knew right then that this was going to be a tough one.

You dated a couple of people that weren’t me.

They didn’t really like you.

That’s ok because they brought us together.

One of them returned.

She gave me a hard time and you yelled at her to leave me alone.

You did bad things.

You were not a bad guy.

You saved me in a time that could have been my darkest.

You were the first person who really loved me.

You did things for my benefit.

We went on dates.

We weren’t dating.

We went to a theme park, to the movies, and on a midnight adventure.

You had the chance to take advantage of me and you never did.

You could have poisoned me.

You didn’t want me to destroy all the talent I have.

You saw beauty and magic in me that I couldn’t see.

You could have made me another horror story.

You didn’t want that life for me.

Not when there is so much more.

You said goodbye.

I got better, and you left.

You left me alone without any warning.

I was left to figure it out.

You were the last chance I had.

When you left, I wasn’t the same.

I thought there was something wrong with me.

I couldn’t do many things that year, and you were one of them.

You were the one thing I wanted the most when I was upset.

I wanted you to make me laugh again.

I wanted you to hug me when I needed it.

I wanted you to let me punch you when I was mad.

You let me do so many things.

I have never been able to do them with anyone else.

It was the first time I felt free to be myself.

I miss you.

After all this time, I still miss you.

Not what we were then.

Not who you are now.

Not your body.

I miss who you were to me.

I miss all the things I could be with you.

I haven’t had a person like you.

No one can compare to the genuine friend you were.

My walls were broken down with you.

They have been guarded since you left.

Sometimes, I hate the way you affected me.

The last time I saw you, it was an accident.

You were working at a new job.

I walked by and pretended that I didn’t see you.

I know you saw me.

My sister says she will never forget the longing look on your face when I passed by.

I came back to you.

We talked briefly.

You were so proud that I was better, though you never said it.

We hugged, and it was then that I could feel finality.

I didn't want to admit it, but I knew it was over.

It took me a long time, but I know why you did the things you did.

All of them.

Even leaving me.

I wrote songs about it, and everything I wish I could tell you.

Know that I am better.

It took me years to get over you.

Even though it was a few months of friendship and nothing more.

I haven’t been able to talk to, or trust, anyone as I did you.

You were the best.

The best friend and person I have had.

You protected me.

You helped me.

It's the reason I’ll never forget the first time I saw you.