Real Friends

It has occurred to me I don’t have any real friends. I have people I could hang out with, and people I can talk to. But, then again, they don’t really want to hang out with me or listen to me. They only want to be doing something, and talk to someone. These people know that if they talk about themselves, or want to discuss something, I will listen.

It is never give and take, just take. I have people who rarely, ever, give me what I give them. But, then again, life is just like that sometimes. They take for granted all the kindness, and the fact that someone will listen. These people don’t like it when I get the courage to tell them the truth.

It has occurred to me, the truth is the wrong thing to say. I have people who know what is wrong but refuse to acknowledge it. But, then again, we all hate seeing the truth in ourselves. They only want someone to listen and to tell them everything will be ok. These people hate when I get the courage to speak about myself.

It has occurred to me, I live a scary life. I have thought about things people are terrified to think. But, then again, I am terrified. They have always been afraid of me. These people run away when I finally open up to them.

It has occurred to me that I am sad. I have always had good and bad days. But, then again, I try really hard to be happy. Even on the bad days. They can’t tell when I’m feeling bad. I have a really good poker face. These people live with me in my masquerade.

It has occurred to me that I don’t know how to be a friend. I have always been kind and wanted to be social. But, then again, I overanalyzed every social situation. They think I am being paranoid, and that it's not a big deal. These people ignore me for months on end.

It has occurred to me that I don’t know how to communicate. I am afraid to send a text message, yet I can be clingy. But, then again, I have always been attached to people who are nice to me. They start by not inviting me to events, or stop responding to me. These people always assume I didn’t want to be friends.

It has occurred to me I am an awful person. I have good friends that I abandoned. But, then again, didn’t they abandon me too? They say we just grew apart, and that I left them for new friends. These people don’t even try to keep our friendship alive.

It has occurred to me I am alone. I don’t have anyone to cry to. But, then again, I could cry to my family. They have seen me cry so much, and so often. These people don’t deserve to see me cry again. It’s too embarrassing.

It has occurred to me that I am weak. I need social interaction. But, then again, maybe I am better off on my own. They would just laugh at me anyway. These people probably wouldn’t care if I died.

It has occurred to me that I died inside, at some point. I am alive now. More alive than I’ve ever been. But, then again, monsters aren’t born, they are created. They think I am still the same person I have always been. These people do not know something else has taken my place.

It has occurred to me that I have no real friends. I am alone. But, I have my voices to keep me company. They can be so funny, and they make me laugh.

These voices won’t ever leave me. They can’t leave me. Can they? Please. Don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone.