That Look

I would know that look from anywhere.

I didn’t look your way the entire time.

I knew you were there, but I refused to peak.

You don’t need that type of satisfaction.

I can’t help but wonder, "What are you expecting."

At first, you were surprised.

I can’t help but ask what you thought, once you realized it was me.

You disappeared and came back.

You kept looking my way and talking to your coworkers.

I never looked your way.

Even when I was walking right past you.

I glared at my phone.

You didn’t know that I was thinking about you.

I was talking about my dog to my parents.

I was so focused on not looking at you.

I was digesting your every movement.

You looked at me like a man who was starved.

Why?

Why did you look at me?

Why did you expect me to come say hello?

Why did you look like you wanted me?

Why did you give me that look?

The one where you beg for my presence.

You always gave me that look.

But, I know the pattern.

I fell out of that routine years ago.

I got angry at you years ago.

I got over it years ago.

So, I ask again, why?

You’ve had more than enough girls to erase me.

You’ve even had my friends, my teammates, and my coworkers.

You’ve never wanted me or asked to have me.

Yet, here we are again.

You give me that same big, brown-eyed look.

Here's how this would go.

I would come up and say hi.

We would see each other a few more times.

You might have a girlfriend, you might not.

That wouldn’t stop you from flirting with me.

You would lead me on, like all those times before.

You would charm me.

You would make me want you, again.

I would let go of any other guys I was talking to.

Right when I think I might have you, you go for the throat.

You date someone else.

It always has to be someone else.

But, there is nobody else, now.

All my friends, teammates, and coworkers left me behind.

I picked up the broken pieces and put them back together.

I did it all on my own.

I’ve met many guys since abandoning my hope for you.

But, you were always there in the back of my mind.

You were a constant companion.

It’s probably why I have never had a boyfriend.

What if he turns out to be like my first dance?

Always the all-night prom dance.

Never the prom date.

All talk.

What if he's like you?

He wants admiration, not competition.

That’s what I was.

Competition.

I was trying to take care of myself.

I would never let you get in the way of my success.

That was a problem.

You needed me to devote every hour, of every day, to you.

I could never do that.

My friends, teammates, and coworkers could.

Not me.

Not the person you are looking at right now.

It's why, years later, you are giving me that look.

Isn’t it?

You see how much better I am.

You can’t help but wonder what I am thinking.

Do I still obsess over you?

Would I come to say hi?

Would I still love you, despite everything?

I could never love you.

I never really did.

You were a crush.

Not a friend.

Not anything.

Why would I come to say hi?

Why would I love you?

With that look, I don’t think you could love yourself.

Not after everything you put me through.

I thought about it.

I wanted to say something to you.

I don't have anything nice to say.

I won't do it.

I won’t ruin the image for you.

I’ll let you think I sang songs for you.

That I will always love you.

That anyone would be lucky to have you.

You have no idea about the truth.

One day, you might give in and ask me.

I don’t think you have the guts.

Until then, keep looking at me with those beautiful, big, brown eyes.